Just an update

12856399999999 Elijah wanted to put his two cents in on the matter.

So, I went and saw my doctor on, I guess it was 2 weeks from yesterday, on the 14th. I went in with a list of things I wanted to talk about, but the main focus was my depression. I was tired of feeling so worthless and just not me. Before the kids went back to school, I would have 3-4 days off per week at work. On those days off, I wouldn't even get out of bed unless the kids needed to eat or if Elijah needed something. I wasn't okay...I KNEW I wasn't. I dragged myself to work for every shift because it was my safe haven away from my life at home. Even if I didn't want to be there, I would go. Good for me! I was "alright" while at work, but it would all start over the minute I walked in the door. I was a little better if Nick was around and even more better when I was out with him on the weekend. But, there was 40-50 hours a week that he wasn't around and that's when my world crashed. All I wanted to do was sleep, I cried...all.the.time. I really was just pretty much useless. So, that was first on my list. I told the doctor I had been suffering from this bout for 7-8 months and though not many people know this, I had thought about the very, VERY bad part of depression...the "s" word. When the doctor pried my intentions out of me, he asked if I had ever had a plan and while I did, I couldn't carry it out because all I could think about was how guilty I felt because I would be leaving the most wonderful man a girl could ask for and her gorgeous children (who never asked for any of this), behind. THAT is what kept me here, not because I am a pussy and couldn't do it.

I suffer from anxiety. I would have panic attacks over the stupidest things...mostly when we were expecting kids or the exes to pick up kids. I have no problems (major issues) with any of the exes, but it was just something I couldn't control.

I haven't had a monthly girl thing for 5 months. That's not REALLY out of the ordinary because I have PCOS, but it usually isn't THAT long in between SOMEthing that happens.

And my body has been hurting for no reason. Like achy hurt, like you have the flu and just can't understand why your hair hurts kinda thing. Like that. And I have no sex drive.

So, this is what he said: The depression and anxiety were obviously there. The fix: Wellbutrin XL once a day and counseling (hey, everyone needs someone to talk to, right?). The no period and no sex drive was chalked up to the depression thing, also. The fix: A pregnancy test (even though Nick is fixed, I have PCOS and a tilted uterus), blood work and a pelvic ultrasound. He didn't say anything about the body aches, though they have slowed down.

I started taking my medication 2 days later, on Wednesday. The pharmacist told me there would be a few immediate effects, but you don't feel full effects for about 4-6 weeks (as with any anti-depressant). By Thursday morning I felt better. Friday was even better!! Except that I am allergic to the medication and I broke out in hives and he refuses to take me off it...but, I feel better! And now, 2 weeks later, the hives are pretty well gone, so it seems my body built up it's immunity.

Things are just...fantastic. Even though we still live here, Nick and I have talked and agreed to stay and get more of our life caught up/calmed down. While I would LOVE to have more room, cause we are still cramped, I have accepted that this is where we need to be for right now and I am okay with that. I appreciate that Nick has stuck by me through all of this, he really is the best a girl could ask for.

My hours have picked up at work and I work 5 days/week, sometimes 6 if I need to cover a shift. I average about 30 hrs and I will be at 32 permanently after my birthday at the end of October when my 90 days is up. Then, hopefully I will be working my way to Assistant Manager.

So, that's how it is for now. More updates later!

This is SuckVille...take a number, please

So, I don't post much on here, mainly because nothing but negative things seem to happen in my life lately. It sucks. I'm tired of it, honestly. My in-laws do EVERYthing in their power to make my life miserable and yes, I truly believe that. No one reads this thing anyhow, I only made it to get some of my other feelings out that I can't on my MySpace blog because everyone I know in God's creation is on there and sometimes, just sometimes, I have to talk about them on here. So, Friday I woke up and was doing my normal morning ritual before I headed to work...you know, the normal, check the email, check the MySpace, check the Facebook, check the bank ritual. I checked my email and found an email from Nick's dad. It was "signed" by both his parents, but he was talking from only his perspective and then sent her a copy, too. So, I say it's from him. An email. Really? Cause we don't live in the same house and this wouldn't be easier if it was, say, face to face?! Really?! I'm so upset just thinking about it again.

He felt the need to inform me that everything I had ranted about was wrong. Like the fact that I do *all* the shopping and cook the meals. I had used the word *all* for the meals, but he reminded me that I only cook ONE meal a day during the week and maybe one on the weekend. Oh, my bad. I cook dinner every night and the ONE meal on the weekend is because I work! Never mind the fact that if I'm not cooking (because of work)...Nick is. Guess he doesn't count when it comes to me. I don't cook more than dinner every night because everyone eats breakfast and lunch at different times and we all have different things. My bad. I forgot cereal in the morning and sandwiches for lunch means they cook more than I do. And excuse me for working when all I hear about is how we owe you money. *deep breath*

Alright, I'm getting too upset, it's time to end this.