Just an update

12856399999999 Elijah wanted to put his two cents in on the matter.

So, I went and saw my doctor on, I guess it was 2 weeks from yesterday, on the 14th. I went in with a list of things I wanted to talk about, but the main focus was my depression. I was tired of feeling so worthless and just not me. Before the kids went back to school, I would have 3-4 days off per week at work. On those days off, I wouldn't even get out of bed unless the kids needed to eat or if Elijah needed something. I wasn't okay...I KNEW I wasn't. I dragged myself to work for every shift because it was my safe haven away from my life at home. Even if I didn't want to be there, I would go. Good for me! I was "alright" while at work, but it would all start over the minute I walked in the door. I was a little better if Nick was around and even more better when I was out with him on the weekend. But, there was 40-50 hours a week that he wasn't around and that's when my world crashed. All I wanted to do was sleep, I cried...all.the.time. I really was just pretty much useless. So, that was first on my list. I told the doctor I had been suffering from this bout for 7-8 months and though not many people know this, I had thought about the very, VERY bad part of depression...the "s" word. When the doctor pried my intentions out of me, he asked if I had ever had a plan and while I did, I couldn't carry it out because all I could think about was how guilty I felt because I would be leaving the most wonderful man a girl could ask for and her gorgeous children (who never asked for any of this), behind. THAT is what kept me here, not because I am a pussy and couldn't do it.

I suffer from anxiety. I would have panic attacks over the stupidest things...mostly when we were expecting kids or the exes to pick up kids. I have no problems (major issues) with any of the exes, but it was just something I couldn't control.

I haven't had a monthly girl thing for 5 months. That's not REALLY out of the ordinary because I have PCOS, but it usually isn't THAT long in between SOMEthing that happens.

And my body has been hurting for no reason. Like achy hurt, like you have the flu and just can't understand why your hair hurts kinda thing. Like that. And I have no sex drive.

So, this is what he said: The depression and anxiety were obviously there. The fix: Wellbutrin XL once a day and counseling (hey, everyone needs someone to talk to, right?). The no period and no sex drive was chalked up to the depression thing, also. The fix: A pregnancy test (even though Nick is fixed, I have PCOS and a tilted uterus), blood work and a pelvic ultrasound. He didn't say anything about the body aches, though they have slowed down.

I started taking my medication 2 days later, on Wednesday. The pharmacist told me there would be a few immediate effects, but you don't feel full effects for about 4-6 weeks (as with any anti-depressant). By Thursday morning I felt better. Friday was even better!! Except that I am allergic to the medication and I broke out in hives and he refuses to take me off it...but, I feel better! And now, 2 weeks later, the hives are pretty well gone, so it seems my body built up it's immunity.

Things are just...fantastic. Even though we still live here, Nick and I have talked and agreed to stay and get more of our life caught up/calmed down. While I would LOVE to have more room, cause we are still cramped, I have accepted that this is where we need to be for right now and I am okay with that. I appreciate that Nick has stuck by me through all of this, he really is the best a girl could ask for.

My hours have picked up at work and I work 5 days/week, sometimes 6 if I need to cover a shift. I average about 30 hrs and I will be at 32 permanently after my birthday at the end of October when my 90 days is up. Then, hopefully I will be working my way to Assistant Manager.

So, that's how it is for now. More updates later!

This is SuckVille...take a number, please

So, I don't post much on here, mainly because nothing but negative things seem to happen in my life lately. It sucks. I'm tired of it, honestly. My in-laws do EVERYthing in their power to make my life miserable and yes, I truly believe that. No one reads this thing anyhow, I only made it to get some of my other feelings out that I can't on my MySpace blog because everyone I know in God's creation is on there and sometimes, just sometimes, I have to talk about them on here. So, Friday I woke up and was doing my normal morning ritual before I headed to work...you know, the normal, check the email, check the MySpace, check the Facebook, check the bank ritual. I checked my email and found an email from Nick's dad. It was "signed" by both his parents, but he was talking from only his perspective and then sent her a copy, too. So, I say it's from him. An email. Really? Cause we don't live in the same house and this wouldn't be easier if it was, say, face to face?! Really?! I'm so upset just thinking about it again.

He felt the need to inform me that everything I had ranted about was wrong. Like the fact that I do *all* the shopping and cook the meals. I had used the word *all* for the meals, but he reminded me that I only cook ONE meal a day during the week and maybe one on the weekend. Oh, my bad. I cook dinner every night and the ONE meal on the weekend is because I work! Never mind the fact that if I'm not cooking (because of work)...Nick is. Guess he doesn't count when it comes to me. I don't cook more than dinner every night because everyone eats breakfast and lunch at different times and we all have different things. My bad. I forgot cereal in the morning and sandwiches for lunch means they cook more than I do. And excuse me for working when all I hear about is how we owe you money. *deep breath*

Alright, I'm getting too upset, it's time to end this.

Hi, welcome to....my life?

So, I haven't typed in awhile. I've been too "busy", believe it or not. I may only work 20 hours a week, but it's enough to make me feel like I am working 50+. I like my job, I really do. I could do without some of the people who come in, but all in all, I really like it. I am first in line to become the next assistant manager when our current assistant takes over as store manager when our current store manager leaves to pursue a "career" somewhere else, soon. My assistant manager makes me feel like I can do anything. She is very sweet and caring, she believes in me and if I don't understand something the first time, she reassures me that I will learn it over time and it's not just me.

I'm scared about the promotion, I have a hard time working the 20 hours a week, I can't imagine what it's gonna be like working 40+, having to be called at whim when something happens (or doesn't happen), covering people's shifts when they don't/can't come in (which I've been doing anyhow), etc. I'm sure I will do fine, just saying.

We finally have new phones again. I love my blackberry curve more than any phone I have ever owned. It does everything but provide food when I ask it to. I'm still learning how to use it, but hopefully it will all come with time.

School starts in just over 2 weeks. I'm soooooo happy. Not because the kids won't be home, but because I won't have to fight with Nick's ex about when the girls can and can't be here during the week, because God forbid, I have a job and don't have a man who is unemployed and sitting on his butt to be a live in babysitter. Oh wait, that's Elijah father I am talking about. My bad. I refuse to pay daycare for 5 kids when the only reason we have the girls like we do, is because I wasn't employed at the time that the agreement was made in May. So!

Well, now it's time for me to get ready for work again, so I didn't get a chance to finish. Maybe some other day!

News

I posted a blog a couple days ago. In it, I believe I had talked about having an interview at Payless on Wednesday. Well, I went to the interview and was being interviewed solely by the Assistant Manager, Penny. The store manager, Cambria, was there, but Penny is training to take over Cam's position, so she left it to Penny to do the interviewing. I had a REALLY good interview, Penny was very personable and because of that, I wasn't nervous or having my panic attacks like I normally would. We got through the interview and the "mock store experience" and she sent me home. I had a few errands to run after the interview and got home around 5. I barely sat down at the computer and the phone rang. It was Cam saying that she wanted me to come in on Thursday for a very short interview with her, so she could get a feel for me. I agreed and hung up. At 6:30 Wednesday night, I was chillin' when Cam called once again. She said she had been talking to Penny and had decided to go with her decision and offer me the position. I had my first shift last night. I was supposed to work from 4:15-7:15, but since I'm getting a "crash course" in training, they wanted me to stay and close with them. I agreed to stay and proceeded my night with 2 managers telling me different things every second of the night.

I ended up going 4 straight hours, on my feet, in non-supportive shoes (lol) with no break. I was sent home at 8:15 because Penny was afraid I was being overwhelmed despite my best efforts to play it off. I admit, I WAS overwhelmed, but I also knew there would always be someone there for me to ask questions if I need it in the next coming weeks. Cambria informed me that she was going to make me key/code carrier by Sunday (which I thought was pretty cool). She had decided not to make one of the other employee key/code carrier so that she could make me one. Yay me!

Let me tell ya, Payless isn't just about selling shoes. With Wal Mart and Toys R Us, I never had to deal with any numbers, I just did my job and went on with my life. Payless is ALLLLLLLLLLLLL about numbers and customers. We have goals to meet every day. We have numbers for the register, numbers for the safe (that we all have access to), numbers to the alarm, numbers for shoes, numbers for EVERYthing. Good thing I am good at remembering numbers! We have this "Customer Journey" we have to go through with every customer that walks in the store. We have to greet them and offer them help, offer to measure feet if a child comes in the store, we suggest trying having them try on as many pairs as possible (ew) and have to compliment, then we have to upsell accessories and/or jewelry with each sale. Each cashier has their own numbers for their goals, plus our numbers for our team goals. It's just insane. I think it will come as a second wind once I have been around longer than, say, a day, but at first it really is kind of confusing.

So, I got hired to work 8-12 hrs. a week. I was told last night for the next couple weeks would be more around 20 hrs. I'm cool with that. We could totally use the money right now. I go back at 6:15 tonight and am definitely closing...so happy we close at 9 and are out by 9:15. It's early enough for me to come home and see my hubby for about 45 minutes before we pass out on our faces.

I have tomorrow night off, per my request, because we have tickets to go see BILL ENGVALL!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! I'm so excited!!!

And tomorrow is my oldest baby's birthday! He's gonna be 9!!

So, anyway, that's that!

The conclusion to "the gasp" from the previous post

So, I dropped the kids off with Tim and whatsherface yesterday. She was already out of the car when we pulled in and I was going to let them approach me cause I really wasn't interested in what they had to say. Or so I thought.

Tim gets out of the car as the boys are getting into their car and he has papers in his hand. Now, in my head I think, "Oh my God. What is he serving me with NOW?" He hands them to me and asks if I had gotten a copy. I quickly glance over the packet and notice that it is from the school district and it is regarding Brandon's TAG results. Wait...*blink blink blink*I never consented to him being tested for TAG. I had told Tim, Brandon's teacher and Brandon's psychologist that I had considered him being placed, but I wanted him to mature a little more before being put through another change. So, while Tim (I assume, since the letter was addressed to him) allowed them to test Brandon for TAG, I was unaware. But, I guess I don't mind. I knew he would make it. He qualified based on his Math and Reading. Good job, kiddo. So, his teacher will come up with a PEP (Personal Education Plan) for him next year and this last through the end of 5th grade, where he will be evaluated again to see if he needs to be in it for 6th grade.

While talking to my mom, I found that I was put in GATE (California's version of TAG) for my Reading and Vocabulary? Yay me. I don't know what happened to said Vocabulary, but, meh.

So, we talked, civilly for about 10 minutes or so. In the almost 2 years that Nick and I have been together, we have never talked face to face except the one time that I cornered Tim when his wife wasn't there and screamed at him for something. We talked about sports. Devin is going to do football and Brandon will be in soccer. We hope that they both do well enough to earn the privelage to play baseball in the Spring. They mentioned they would need our help with the sports in the sense that games and/or practices may overlap and one set of parents would need to be in one place while the other set was in the other. We could possibly swap at half time. I'm excited for the kids, they need the extra-cirricular activities.

Nick mentioned to me this afternoon that he had been interviewed by the VP? of his company for a Sales Manager position he applied for. He has applied for a couple of Sales positions (mainly for the pay increase, I think) and was overlooked. He got his chance to talk this time and I am so proud. While the VP said that they prefer someone with more Sales experience, they wouldn't mind giving him a shot as a Sales Coordinator should a position come up. So, Nick (again, so proud) spoke up and asked if there was anything he could do to better his understanding of the position and he suggested getting him set up with a training class. YAY! While I don't really think he should be going for the position for the reason he is, I also know he is not happy in the position he is currently in. Not that he doesn't like the work, but he doesn't like the lack of work his co-worker does in the same area. I don't like the idea of him having to travel like he will have to. He hates just being away from me for the 8 hours while at work (and I do, too), but if that's what makes him happy, so be it. So, we will keep our fingers crossed and cross the bridge when we get there.

Time marches on

Well, here we are, damn it...the in-laws will be home tomorrow. It was SOOO nice to have such a long break, but we sure miss the girls around here. Has to be really hard on their mom. She gets them back for 2 nights and then they come to our house for 8 days. Hey, her choice, but I still feel for her.

The oldest boys leave for their dad's today at 3 until Sunday, just like normal. I got a phone call out of the blue from "him" yesterday asking if I ever got his text. When I informed him I never got such a thing, he told me he must have sent it to my old number (for whatever reason, he hasn't seemed to delete it yet). So, I asked him what it was about and he said that he wanted to know what school the kids were going to next year because he was inquiring about sports (insert gasp here) for them and they needed to know. I told them that despite my animosity for him, they would be returning to Fruitdale. Not to convenience him any, but because it is a VERY good school and they treated us VERY well this last year. They understand the situation between Tim and I and all the visitation and they are still allowing the kids to come back, even though we don't live in the boundaries. I feel very thankful for this.

Both of the kids told me they have been waiting to play baseball (I thought baseball "season" was over), but Tim is giving them the option of Soccer or Football. Devin has played a year of both (albeit soccer wasn't the league, it was with the Y when he was 5) and Brandon has yet to play because I am scared for his behavior issues. Tim has agreed with me that we need to let him try. Devin has chosen Football once again and Brandon has chosen Soccer (if baseball is not available in the Fall). I am very proud of them but nervous about the practice schedule coinciding with any chances of me getting/having a job.

The kids have done fairly well since school has let out. They are 100% willing to help me out when asked. I just wish they were old enough to do the dishes so I didn't have to hurt every time I did. Although they do the laundry (I just have to measure out the amount of clothes and do the soap and softener) and take out the garbage for me, I just don't trust them with that yet. lol

Devin and Allison's birthdays are next month. Alli's on the 3rd and Devin's on the 25th. We are going to combine the parties like we did with Brandon and Emma this year, can't really afford to do 2 different ones. We have decided to have it at Morrison park so that the kids (and adults if they wanna) can get wet, eat and play, all at the same time! It's a pretty park, I just wish it had more shade or gazebos. Then we don't have another birthday until mine in October, which doesn't ever amount to much and then Eli's Thomas themed party in December!

Alright, I have rambled enough. On with your day!

It's a hard knock life

So, my son has, apparently, reached a point in his toddler-hood that he has decided to do things outta the norm. He is usually pretty good at associating pens, pencils, crayons and the like with paper ONLY. So, the other day the boys are switching the laundry for me and I hear, "MOOOM!!! COME HERE!!!!"

This is what I found:

AND

I especially like the detail he went into on the dryer, quite creative.

Magic Eraser, here I come!

So, then after a few days of "behaving", I get pictures like these:

So, today I am sitting here, minding my own business planting my farm on Facebook and I hear another "UM...MOM?! Elijah is painting his hands and head!"

I jump up. "WHAT?!?!"

I ran into my bedroom to find pink nailpolish open and indeed all over his hands, head and my khaki down comforter.

I was so upset that I called Nick at work. No answer. So, I called my friend and told her she needed to think of something for me to do cause I was so pissed off I couldn't think straight. She told me the most obvious was to get the nail polish remover. So, I rinsed his hands off in the sink and grabbed my comforter, dragging it into the livingroom and sat and cried while scrubbing the nail polish off my beloved blanket. No luck. It took the thickness of the polish out, but not the color. I then polish removed Elijah's hands. And thought, what am I going to do about his head/hair? I quickly doused his head with remover and rubbed away with no such luck. I threw him in the shower, shampooed his head (twice) and got him out. By this time the polish was dry, so I took a brush and yanked through his hair best I could. It started out like this:

(that would be the corner of my blanket on the left side of the shot)

After the shower and the brushing, it looked more like this:

Sometimes I think God is looking down at me and laughing. lol

Man. I tell ya. This kid is gonna be the death of me.