It hurts...

Please make it stop.

I have been hurt by not one, but two of my best friends today. One happened to be what I believe as unintentional, as I don't want to believe my husband would do anything to hurt me on purpose. Events have been happening off and on for 2 weeks or more and while I won't go into detail on here, let's just say it's been rather painful for me.

So, due to these events, I have turned to the only friend I can talk to who I have always believed wouldn't judge me. Turns out I got to see the other side of the coin today when I went to express my feelings and needed a shoulder to lean on when he suddenly snapped and said to pretty well get over it.

*jaw drops*

Okay then...guess we won't be talking much anymore.

What's really crappy is that I woke up in an awesome mood...I made breakfast for Nick and I and his Dad and made waffles (frozen, of course) for the kids. I then did all the dishes, dried and put them away and since our dishwasher broke in the middle of a cycle, I had to re-wash all of the dishes in there by hand. I wiped all the counters and the stove down, I took over the laundry that Nick had started for me and I cleaned our bedroom. I had commented on what a good mood I was in but that I had a feeling it wasn't going to last. I got a, "Way to be optimistic, babe" (in a jokingly, loving way) from the hubby and now here I am.

I should be paid to be a psychic... No one ever listens when I say what is going to happen, then when it happens, all I have to say is, "I told ya so".

Case in point: The phone rang, repeatedly, and I turned to Nick and said it was probably his mom trying to get a hold of his dad to find out if he wanted any food. Nick talked to her at some point (don't know if she called him or he called her or what) and when I asked what she wanted, he told me she wanted to know if his dad wanted any food. I win.

Now pay up.

Forget this frickin' life man, I'm so over it. I just wonder if it's all worth all the pain I go through on a daily basis.

It's funny that I woke up today

After a day like yesterday, I really wish I hadn't. I would love for anything other than another day like yesterday.

So, I got my promotion at work the other day, and a raise. I'm just Full-Time for now, but the next step is Assistant Manager, and I will get there...soon! It will, of course, entail another raise in money and in hours, so that will be exciting. As a full-timer, I get more perks from the company that a part-timer doesn't get, but of course, not as many as my Store Manager.

Still no w-2 for Nick. Yesterday (when he should have gotten it) there were rumors that they would come in today. I *really* hope so. I wanna start this bankruptcy ball rolling and get the hell out of this place. I really just can't take it anymore, but it seems that my poor hubby is feeling the same way. It's straining on us as individuals and as a couple...especially if you take the fight we had last night into consideration. Our biggest fight in over 13 months. Nick never loses his temper enough to scream at me, and he did, but I think we both used it as a way to get our emotions out and now we are all better. Lasted no more than an hour...including the make-up talk.

I had my tests done on Tuesday, they went semi-quick. I had my CT scans, one of my head and one of my sinuses (for 2 different things), straight from that room I was rushed off to have the ultrasound of my thyroid done. That one hurt. He had to press so hard on my throat to get the pictures...eep! So, then he went and asked if they were ready to do my echo and I guess they said no? cause he said they usually stay on schedule and don't take people in early like he had. It was 12:26 and he sent me back out to the lobby of the hospital. I didn't even have time to type out a text and a lady came and got me for my echo. When I mentioned that I had just came out, she made some stupid joke and we walked right back to where I was, 2 doors down. She had me disrobe from the waist up and put on the gown. I laid on my left side, facing her, she hooked me up to some wires and then she did the ultrasound of my heart. When she made my heartbeat audible, I had asked if the extra loud "Ka-thunk!" I heard was the supposed murmur. She claimed everything was working fine thus far and she hadn't found a murmur. She did this view for a long time and then went to a different angle. Did that one for a little while and then went from right under my sternum and looked up...that one only lasted a few.

At the very end of the echo, she then declares that I have 2 leaky valves that are causing the murmur(s) but she said it's nothing to worry about. These were adult on-set and while SHE may think it's nothing to worry about, she's not my doctor, or the cardiologist and she doesn't realize that 5 years ago this month, my 53 year old aunt dropped dead in the middle of her bus route because her heart just stopped beating. She had just taken a physical and was declared healthy (other than the fact that she was overweight and a smoker). I'm the same way. I have been told many times before that I very healthy for being the size I am, and I'm alright with that!

My new medication is making me sick. I spent all day at work yesterday feeling like I was going through menopause. I was dizzy, nauseated and having hot flashes all day. As long as I held on to something while I was standing or moving, I was able to control it and not fall over like I wanted to. I called the dr at 9...she called me back at 5. Way to get back to your patients in a timely manner. :p The only suggestion she had was to cut the pill in half and take it pretty well into the middle of my breakfast. I don't normally eat breakfast, so the last few days I have been forcing myself to so I can take the medicine. We'll see if the breaking in half helps any or not.

So, with that being said, I had a really difficult day yesterday.

This isn't even to go into all the crap that happened at work, that I'm purposely leaving out.

It's my life, every time I take a step forward (my promotion/raise), I take about 5 back (the rest of my life). It's very emotionally draining and not even the medication is helping any more.

Today is a new day

T-minus 2 days and counting until we file taxes...

Tomorrow I find out which promotion I get at work, Assistant Manager or just Full-Time associate for now.

Today I have all my tests at the hospital at noon.

Yesterday I opted to have my blood taken from me for my labs. I managed to escape after only 2 pokes (I'm a multiple poker cause my veins sink/vanish) and since it was in the same arm, I have a nice color coming on. :)

Wish me luck!

I very well may freeze to death before I finish typing this :p

So, let's see...

I found a new doctor (well, NP) who LISTENS! to what I have to say. Yay! So, I went in and saw her last Tuesday. I spent an hour and a half with her in the room, going over various ailments and medical history. After the paper stuff, she started the exam. She listened to my lungs, said they were nice, listened to my heart and asked me if I had ever been told I have a murmur. *jaw drops to the floor* Why no, no, I have not! I'm very anxious about this murmur because I have *no* idea when it started and what is causing it. I have read things online about adult onset of murmurs and it just made me more sick to my stomach, so, we will see. She examined me and asked me mass amounts of questions about my "headache" I had before Thanksgiving. She said, even though I was diagnosed with a migraine the first time and a muscle spasm headache the second time, that she thinks I may have just had a concussion. I have no idea what a concussion feels like because I have never experienced one prior. We talked shortly about my Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome deal and she gave me a glucose pill that will help regulate the monthly cycle again, advised me to get BACK on my anti-depressant and ordered a whole crap ton of test.

She wants:

-A CT scan of the head, she wants to check for the possibilities of me having a small stroke when I had that head pain (scary) and with the CT, she wants a sinus survey done so we can see if there are any polyps forming again of if all the pain is just from the thickening of the lining

-An echocardiogram for the cause of the murmur and to see if my heart is okay

-An ultrasound of my thyroid because she said it's rather hard and while I protested and said that I had just had my thyroid tested in September, she reassured me with telling me that most doctors only order one lab for the thyroid and she does 5 different ones. So, here's to hopin she finds yet another excuse to my weight issue :p (the PCOS also causes weight gain)

-I need to be tested for sleep apnea...but I think that is coming later

-I have a whole bunch of labs that need to be done in about an hour...she wants to check my vitamin D levels, my cholesterol, my glucose, the blood part of the thyroid, and some other stuff I don't understand on the lab slip

So, I had initially gone in with major complaints of my back. I wanted that looked at/dealt with first, but I guess the other things are more important. She sent me home with a pain med script and I will protest again and make her do something about it when I go back. But, I may be going back sooner than anticipated, I have managed to get to the point where it's painful to sit for longer than 3 minutes. It doesn't matter the position, my posture, anything...it hurts. I was asked this morning how I do it and how I work with it like this and all I have to say is I'm in some sort of pain, every day of my life and I have learned to manage pretty well. With my back, I am usually up and on the go, anyhow, so the sitting doesn't happen often, unless I'm in the car or trying to relax in the evenings.

This week is going to be a very anxious week for me. I want it to go by quickly. Today I am having my blood drawn, then I go to work and close. Tomorrow I am having all those other tests done (minus the Sleep Apnea) and I have the day off, Wednesday our District Manager is going to be down and I find out if I'm going to Assistant Manager right now, or just to full time for now, Thursday I open at work and we are going to (please please please) be filing taxes when I get off and then Friday we start the process of finding/finalizing a place to live. I can't freakin wait!

So, that's it in a nutshell. Will update as I know more.

Welcome 2010!

I'd like to say that I am welcoming the New Year with open arms, but at this point in time (a whoppin' 2 days in to it) I'm deciding this year may just be as crappy as the last. I want to be optimistic, I really do! I have a promotion (well, 2) coming up, I'm gonna get my family out of this ever loving crap-hole of a house and into our OWN life!, I'm gonna be 30!...maybe that's not so exciting lol.

I'm tired of living in the guilt trips. I do so much for this family (Nick's parents included), that I should NOT have to live my life with guilt because I spent $25 on frickin' Taco Bell for my husband, kids and I and "made" them (his parents) eat leftover pizza that I spent $25 on the night before. Boo flippin' hoo. $50 could have gone a lot longer than 2 meals, had I gone to the store and bought food for said meals, but I worked all day, I wanted to treat myself.

I work EVERYDAY, in one way or another. Either I make a presence at my employer's to actually work on the clock, or I have to do one of the MANY things that this family requires. Usually on my days "off" I have to go grocery shopping...for the whole household. I usually try to see Nick for lunch 1-2 times a week, but a lot of my schedule (and the amount of kids I have on any given day) prevents me from seeing him much. I have weeks where I work 9 days straight at work, then still have to run the house.

Nick does a LOT to help me (most of the time). His mother does not. His father does nothing, but I can't expect much out of him. I was told at the beginning of December that she would be willing to cook us dinner for her Christmas break to help me out. Fabulous! I could use the break. But, she wanted me to plan out a freaking MENU to give her. I may as well just cook. I don't do menus, I pull stuff out of the cabinet and whip it together quite constantly.

If I were to add up all my trips to the grocery store just for the month of December, I would guesstimate that I spent probably about $400, on top of the $175 we get in food stamps. I think we pay well enough to cover expenses here and they eat like kings. I don't just make mac n cheese for dinner like she used to. I make full on meals, every night. Do you know how much it costs to feed 9 people for a month? A lot. So, why does she feel the need to go on freaking FACEBOOK and tell the world that they would have liked Taco Bell, too? I don't care!!!! Think of all the times when we ate mac n cheese or top ramen for dinner and she went and got Sonic for them and ate it in front of us. Does it matter how that made US feel? Oh, yeah...it doesn't.

I'm counting the days until our taxes come and we get the H out of this place. I can't do it anymore...I can't handle the crying and all the hateful feelings I feel, constantly! I can't handle not being able to raise my kids without someone butting in constantly. I can't handle thinking I have everything I need for dinner, only to find out something was used/eaten before I could make said dinner and we have no more money.

I just can't take it anymore. Put a fork in me, I'm done.

Screw you 2009 and if 2010 continues this way, it can go away, too!