The long road to a new me...Day 3

I finally put my foot down last week and decided to start losing some weight, if not inches.

The reason, sadly, isn't because I'm considered morbidly obese...unfortunately, I have become comfortable with myself.  Not happy, but comfortable.  I know my hubby loves me for me, not the weight I have on me.  The reason isn't because every picture I look at, I am reminded of how skinny I once was...I don't really care to be that small again, I was just a bag of bones.  The reason isn't because I can't keep up with my kids...most of the time I can and am very active with them.  The reason I want to lose the weight (and inches!) isn't because it seems to get harder to find cute clothes to fit me when I do have a chance to go shopping...My size has plateaued...I have been the same size for a couple years (clothing-wise), they just don't have a huge abundance of the ones that I can afford.

The reason I want to lose the weight?  I work in a shoe store.  I get tired of the customers coming in and I can't give them an opinion on most of the shoes because I don't wear a regular size 9 shoe anymore...nope, I wear a size 10....wide.  Now, most people are under false pretenses that all shoes come in regular or wide.  They don't.  And even some of the ones marked "wide" aren't wide enough for my feet. I have one pair of shoes that I buy over and over to wear every day of the year to work in.  We have a dress code and it's the only thing that fits right, is dressy enough and comfortable enough for 8-10 hr shifts.  Unfortunately, it's considered a sandal, so it's only sold between March and July-ish.  So, if they don't last very long (which they don't since I wear them every day that I work) I have to try and remember to stock up to last me through the winter! LOL

So, for my records, Day 1 included a walk around our "short circle" in the park, 4 times and the "big circle" once.  It was 10:00 at night and our friends were there with all the kids to let them get some energy out and to celebrate a birthday.

Day 2 was last night and it included 4 big circles in the park.  That was a good walk.

Day 3 (today) and we went on a bike ride.  We started at home, off Redwood Ave. and Dowell Rd. and rode up Dowell to Redwood Hwy, to Allen Creek Rd, to Harbeck Rd, to Williams Hwy.  We made it to Allen Dale Elementary when Nick made me turn back.  It was 94 degrees and I was feeling really sick to my stomach.  The ride home seemed like a breeze.

I WILL do this.  I will.

We are going grocery shopping in a few and I am going to buy a tape measure and start recording measurements on here just so I can see the progress!  I'm so excited!  Even more excited that my hubby is so excited to do this with me!




 

2 months gone by

And not a whole lot has changed! I'm still working my butt off, Nick's still working his off and the kids are all still kids.

We have been struggling in the finance department for about a month now.  I forgot to write something down and it snowballed.  Ended up losing $700 trying to get my bank account back in order.  That was hard.  We still haven't recovered from that and we probably won't for awhile.  Antonio has stopped paying child support for Elijah until we can get him to quit whining about what it is that the state wants him to pay.  They wanted almost $400 a month from him and he's fighting it because basically, it cancels out the $426 that we pay them for the girls.  So, we'll see.  We should be getting papers soon saying we have a telephone hearing coming up.  From losing that $200 a month in support and the $200 a month in food stamps, we are REALLY struggling right now.  We have lost our cell phones due to non-payment, we have our final notices for everything else.  We have to pay our car payments or they take our cars and we can't get to work.  We have to pay our insurance or else the same consequence occurs.  We have to buy food or we all starve (feeding 5-7 people is NOT cheap).  We have to have gas to drive said cars to get to work.  I haven't paid anything to my sitter in who knows how long.  Luckily, she's a good friend and doesn't depend on her daycare earnings for income.  I feel so guilty about it, but I really just can't pay her anything.  I have doctors calling me constantly about my medical bills...I just...I can't.

It's so hard knowing I am working my arse off and there isn't anything I can show for it.  I have dreams.  I have hopes.  I mean, we really *hope* to pay off the cars with next year's taxes, so we don't have to pay the car payments anymore.  I really *hope* that child support is going to come through soon.  We really ARE going to pay our tv off in 2 more months.  I can't give it back now, it's ours in 2 months! 

We can't do anything about Boatnik this year.  We are taking Eli to the parade on Saturday, my only day off for the whole Memorial Day weekend.  I work open to close on Sunday and open to close on Monday, which is when Nick will be at home, all day, by himself.  Well, Sunday he will be...Monday the oldest 2 will be home with him and the baby will come home around 5:30 that day.

The kids transferred to Redwood Elementary when we moved here and we are having soooo many problems with them that I just want to scream.  I don't want to go into too many details, but he was sent home from school Monday for ripping a page out of a book.  They got mad and sent him home saying he was vandalizing intentionally.  After I heard the story, I disagree.  So, yeah.

Well, it's about time for me to start getting ready for work.

To the most wonderful husband in the world!!

"Smile"

You're better than the best
I'm lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler than the flip-side of my pillow (that's right)
Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to where you send me
Let's me know that it's okay (yea, it's okay)
And the moments when my good times start to fade

[Chorus:]
You make me smile like a sun, Fall outta bed
Sing like a bird, Dizzy in my head
Spin like a record, Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like fool, Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile

Even when you're gone
Somehow you come along just like a flower pokin through the sidewalk crack
And just like that
You steal away the rain
And just like that

[Chorus]

Don't know how I lived without you
'Cuz everytime that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile
You make me dance like fool, Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile

[Chorus]

(Oh, you make me smile)
Oh you make me smille
(Oh, you make me smile)
Oh you make me smille

One of "those" days

It's not a bad day, really. Just a kick-back-around-the-house kinda day, until I have to go to work at 1:45. Anyone who knows me, knows I am NOT a lazy person, but I have learned that I cannot work when my back flares up, so when it did last night, I came home, iced it, lounged around all night (except when I had to tend to the little one's demands), watched a movie with the hubs, went to bed and woke up in excruciating pain. Even after everything I did, it was still very sore. So, I took a pain pill and I'm STILL lounging around! I have to get this under control before work because if my boss knows, she will freak out, since I still haven't really kissed and made up with her totally. She hurt me, and I'm holdin on to it!

It's Friday! Normally that doesn't mean much, but it actually does start my weekend. From Payless, at least. I have Pampered Chef parties to throw this weekend. Saturday, Sunday and Monday, but at least that isn't 8.5 hrs on my feet dealing with customers and shoes. I normally have my house in order every other Friday (well, any day, really...stupid neat freak in me), because the girls come over today, but like I said, my back is healing, so the dishes are piled up, the laundry is un-folded (but at least washed!) and we're still in our PJ's!

Elijah has eaten 4 bowls of cereal in the 4 hours he has been up, now. We ran out of milk after the 2nd bowl and he's been eating it dry the last 2 bowls. A convo we had about said milk:

Me: "We need to get some milk."

E: "We don't have any milk. It's all gone."

Me: "I know, we need to go BUY some."

E: "Wal Mart has milk!"

Me: "Yes, I know Wal Mart has milk."

LOL!

So, we may have to venture out to the store, because now we have no juice, either and that's just not gonna work. Water is the devil to Elijah, unless it comes out of my water bottle, when he wants to drink it.

I have a 2 hour lunch today during my shift. I don't know why, she's never done that before, but it will either change, or just be a really long lunch!

Well, guess I didn't have much to say. Wish I could enjoy this BEAUTIFUL weather we are having! But, the meds I just started say no long exposure to sunlight...*sigh* We will have more spring weather, soon enough.

Ta-ta!

Way to piss off a fat chick!

Lots has happened in the last month and a half.

We moved into our own place. Thank God, and everything Holy for that one!

We continue to live our lives as promised and stick by one another. Our relationship had a few bumps in it one night, but I believe we are over them, one of us merely bruised, but not scarred by the turn we took and I really, REALLY hope to never go down that road, again.

I was out of work for a few days a few weeks ago because my sciatica flared up pretty badly and I couldn't get it under control to save my life. The day before I was due back to work, I noticed Devin wasn't feeling well. I took him to the doctor and he was diagnosed with strep. He was given a 5 day antibiotic and was feeling better in about 24 hrs. Easy peasy!

About a week later, I come down with a cold. Now, colds usually aren't my friend because of the sinus issues I suffer from. So, I wasn't too excited to have gotten this one, but I was on an "aggressive" round of antibiotics and prednisone for 3 weeks to try and shrink the cysts and polyps in one of my sinus cavities and wasn't concerned with getting the strep or a sinus infection, for the antibiotics had me covered! My 3 weeks was up about a week into the cold and I really wasn't feeling any better. But, I fought it, I kept going to work and I kept doing my Pampered Chef parties and I kept trying to get better. This last Saturday, my boss was coming in and before she got there, I texted her and asked if I could possibly go home at my lunch. My lunch was 4 hours into my shift and when I get back from lunch would only leave her without me for 3 hours. She texted me back and said, "I'm coming in early, we need to talk."

Now, my boss and I are pretty close, or so I'd like to think. We're more friends and I'd like to think that I never really need the whole "boss/employee" relationship cause I have been there for so long. If I have a question, I ask it, but more on a friend trying to learn level...not a I'm scared to ask my boss anything cause she's gonna think I'm stupid level.

So, she does come in, about 30 minutes early. She barely says hi to me and tells me, "When the store is clear, ha ha, come to the back and we will talk." It takes me about 20-30 minutes, but the store is finally clear and I go back to get my whippin.

She starts laying into me about how if I can't be there on my scheduled times, it makes HER job a lot harder because she needs to do managerial things to get prepared for our District Manager to come (what was yesterday) and that she NEEDS me to be there when I am scheduled so that she can get HER stuff done while I run the store. *blink blink*

What on-lookers don't know, is that she has missed the most work out of the rest of us combined, just in the last 3 months. Whenever she is tired, has a migraine, cramps, doesn't feel good or just doesn't want to work, she goes home. She leaves whichever one of us ALONE, to go home and do what she wants to do, while we run the store.

I let last Saturday go, I know she really did need to get stuff done, but I don't understand why she waited until a Saturday, our busiest day of the week, to get stuff done and leave me, being as sick as I am/was, to run the store efficiently, by myself. So be it, it's done and over. I worked my whole shift and I made it out sick, but alive. I also made a 12 hour day that day because I also had a Pampered Chef party to throw that night. But, that's not the case!

I had Sunday off, but had to go in to work for a meeting Sunday night. I had Monday off, I worked Tuesday and I worked Wednesday. Tuesday I attempted to call my boss to ask her what happened with something I was confused on, I don't remember what, she never answered her phone, she never called back. Fine. Good thing the store wasn't on fire.

Wednesday I was dizzy, sweating, cold and working my butt off because ALL shoes had to be out before Thursday, when the DM got to the store. I never made an attempt to contact my boss. She called me at about 11 and when I answered the phone, I get a response of "Oh, dear God." I said, "Yes?" and she asked how I was feeling. I told her the truth, again, as a friend, not as my boss. If I looked at her as my boss, I would have lied and said I was fine. I told her I was feeling like crap but that we were making good head way on the work load. I mentioned I had decided to hit Urgent Care after work (wouldn't want to miss any work to go to the dr), she said, "Let me know what they say."

I got off at 5:15, I headed straight to Valley Immediate Care, sat in the lobby for an hour plus, had my vitals done in the meantime, was running a low grade fever, was called into a room, waited in there for another 30-45 mins, was finally seen and told I had a double ear infection on top of the cold I had and since I had a kid who just had strep, he wasn't going to run the test, but assumed I had some form of it. He put me back on Augmentin, which is what I had just taken 3 weeks of, and wrote me a script for Sudafed.

I came home and texted my boss. Just said, "Running fever and have a double ear infection. Start meds tomorrow." I texted again, "Oh, and strep!"

She texts me back probably about 20 minutes later and says, "You went to a dr and got these results?"

That's not a normal tone for her, that's a very pissy, impersonal tone.

I replied with, "Yes, I spent 2 hours at the dr getting these results."

She replies with, "I'm going to have to put you on LOA (leave of absence) until you get completely better."

"You've got to be freaking kidding me! Over a cold!?! Are you gonna put Ryann on an LOA the next time she gets sick?!?!"

She then calls me...

The shit hits the fan...

She starts SCREAMING at me, to where Nick, sitting on the other couch beside me, can hear every word she is saying. She screams about how I'm obviously too sick to be doing my job and that I didn't tell her it was just a cold and just was NOT listening to anything I was saying. She tells me how I should just take a break and be gone for awhile...until the tubes are put in my ears, my hearing is back, my back is better, etc. I fought with her for probably 20 mins to a half hour. Many tears were shed, many words were held back. I wanted to quit sooo badly, but this house depends on my income, now. I can't risk losing this place because I'm being verbally battered upon by my boss, who I thought was my friend. Nick just doesn't make enough with the child support and the insurance and whatnot for us to survive, so unless I find another job, which isn't likely in this economy, there is no way I can leave that place. Not yet.

I guess it's worse because we were close and I don't think we are going to be now. She hurt me...badly.

Needless to say, I was forced into an LOA, I plan on going back Monday, as much as I just want to give her the finger, I need the paycheck.

*sigh*

It's always something...always.

It hurts...

Please make it stop.

I have been hurt by not one, but two of my best friends today. One happened to be what I believe as unintentional, as I don't want to believe my husband would do anything to hurt me on purpose. Events have been happening off and on for 2 weeks or more and while I won't go into detail on here, let's just say it's been rather painful for me.

So, due to these events, I have turned to the only friend I can talk to who I have always believed wouldn't judge me. Turns out I got to see the other side of the coin today when I went to express my feelings and needed a shoulder to lean on when he suddenly snapped and said to pretty well get over it.

*jaw drops*

Okay then...guess we won't be talking much anymore.

What's really crappy is that I woke up in an awesome mood...I made breakfast for Nick and I and his Dad and made waffles (frozen, of course) for the kids. I then did all the dishes, dried and put them away and since our dishwasher broke in the middle of a cycle, I had to re-wash all of the dishes in there by hand. I wiped all the counters and the stove down, I took over the laundry that Nick had started for me and I cleaned our bedroom. I had commented on what a good mood I was in but that I had a feeling it wasn't going to last. I got a, "Way to be optimistic, babe" (in a jokingly, loving way) from the hubby and now here I am.

I should be paid to be a psychic... No one ever listens when I say what is going to happen, then when it happens, all I have to say is, "I told ya so".

Case in point: The phone rang, repeatedly, and I turned to Nick and said it was probably his mom trying to get a hold of his dad to find out if he wanted any food. Nick talked to her at some point (don't know if she called him or he called her or what) and when I asked what she wanted, he told me she wanted to know if his dad wanted any food. I win.

Now pay up.

Forget this frickin' life man, I'm so over it. I just wonder if it's all worth all the pain I go through on a daily basis.

It's funny that I woke up today

After a day like yesterday, I really wish I hadn't. I would love for anything other than another day like yesterday.

So, I got my promotion at work the other day, and a raise. I'm just Full-Time for now, but the next step is Assistant Manager, and I will get there...soon! It will, of course, entail another raise in money and in hours, so that will be exciting. As a full-timer, I get more perks from the company that a part-timer doesn't get, but of course, not as many as my Store Manager.

Still no w-2 for Nick. Yesterday (when he should have gotten it) there were rumors that they would come in today. I *really* hope so. I wanna start this bankruptcy ball rolling and get the hell out of this place. I really just can't take it anymore, but it seems that my poor hubby is feeling the same way. It's straining on us as individuals and as a couple...especially if you take the fight we had last night into consideration. Our biggest fight in over 13 months. Nick never loses his temper enough to scream at me, and he did, but I think we both used it as a way to get our emotions out and now we are all better. Lasted no more than an hour...including the make-up talk.

I had my tests done on Tuesday, they went semi-quick. I had my CT scans, one of my head and one of my sinuses (for 2 different things), straight from that room I was rushed off to have the ultrasound of my thyroid done. That one hurt. He had to press so hard on my throat to get the pictures...eep! So, then he went and asked if they were ready to do my echo and I guess they said no? cause he said they usually stay on schedule and don't take people in early like he had. It was 12:26 and he sent me back out to the lobby of the hospital. I didn't even have time to type out a text and a lady came and got me for my echo. When I mentioned that I had just came out, she made some stupid joke and we walked right back to where I was, 2 doors down. She had me disrobe from the waist up and put on the gown. I laid on my left side, facing her, she hooked me up to some wires and then she did the ultrasound of my heart. When she made my heartbeat audible, I had asked if the extra loud "Ka-thunk!" I heard was the supposed murmur. She claimed everything was working fine thus far and she hadn't found a murmur. She did this view for a long time and then went to a different angle. Did that one for a little while and then went from right under my sternum and looked up...that one only lasted a few.

At the very end of the echo, she then declares that I have 2 leaky valves that are causing the murmur(s) but she said it's nothing to worry about. These were adult on-set and while SHE may think it's nothing to worry about, she's not my doctor, or the cardiologist and she doesn't realize that 5 years ago this month, my 53 year old aunt dropped dead in the middle of her bus route because her heart just stopped beating. She had just taken a physical and was declared healthy (other than the fact that she was overweight and a smoker). I'm the same way. I have been told many times before that I very healthy for being the size I am, and I'm alright with that!

My new medication is making me sick. I spent all day at work yesterday feeling like I was going through menopause. I was dizzy, nauseated and having hot flashes all day. As long as I held on to something while I was standing or moving, I was able to control it and not fall over like I wanted to. I called the dr at 9...she called me back at 5. Way to get back to your patients in a timely manner. :p The only suggestion she had was to cut the pill in half and take it pretty well into the middle of my breakfast. I don't normally eat breakfast, so the last few days I have been forcing myself to so I can take the medicine. We'll see if the breaking in half helps any or not.

So, with that being said, I had a really difficult day yesterday.

This isn't even to go into all the crap that happened at work, that I'm purposely leaving out.

It's my life, every time I take a step forward (my promotion/raise), I take about 5 back (the rest of my life). It's very emotionally draining and not even the medication is helping any more.

Today is a new day

T-minus 2 days and counting until we file taxes...

Tomorrow I find out which promotion I get at work, Assistant Manager or just Full-Time associate for now.

Today I have all my tests at the hospital at noon.

Yesterday I opted to have my blood taken from me for my labs. I managed to escape after only 2 pokes (I'm a multiple poker cause my veins sink/vanish) and since it was in the same arm, I have a nice color coming on. :)

Wish me luck!

I very well may freeze to death before I finish typing this :p

So, let's see...

I found a new doctor (well, NP) who LISTENS! to what I have to say. Yay! So, I went in and saw her last Tuesday. I spent an hour and a half with her in the room, going over various ailments and medical history. After the paper stuff, she started the exam. She listened to my lungs, said they were nice, listened to my heart and asked me if I had ever been told I have a murmur. *jaw drops to the floor* Why no, no, I have not! I'm very anxious about this murmur because I have *no* idea when it started and what is causing it. I have read things online about adult onset of murmurs and it just made me more sick to my stomach, so, we will see. She examined me and asked me mass amounts of questions about my "headache" I had before Thanksgiving. She said, even though I was diagnosed with a migraine the first time and a muscle spasm headache the second time, that she thinks I may have just had a concussion. I have no idea what a concussion feels like because I have never experienced one prior. We talked shortly about my Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome deal and she gave me a glucose pill that will help regulate the monthly cycle again, advised me to get BACK on my anti-depressant and ordered a whole crap ton of test.

She wants:

-A CT scan of the head, she wants to check for the possibilities of me having a small stroke when I had that head pain (scary) and with the CT, she wants a sinus survey done so we can see if there are any polyps forming again of if all the pain is just from the thickening of the lining

-An echocardiogram for the cause of the murmur and to see if my heart is okay

-An ultrasound of my thyroid because she said it's rather hard and while I protested and said that I had just had my thyroid tested in September, she reassured me with telling me that most doctors only order one lab for the thyroid and she does 5 different ones. So, here's to hopin she finds yet another excuse to my weight issue :p (the PCOS also causes weight gain)

-I need to be tested for sleep apnea...but I think that is coming later

-I have a whole bunch of labs that need to be done in about an hour...she wants to check my vitamin D levels, my cholesterol, my glucose, the blood part of the thyroid, and some other stuff I don't understand on the lab slip

So, I had initially gone in with major complaints of my back. I wanted that looked at/dealt with first, but I guess the other things are more important. She sent me home with a pain med script and I will protest again and make her do something about it when I go back. But, I may be going back sooner than anticipated, I have managed to get to the point where it's painful to sit for longer than 3 minutes. It doesn't matter the position, my posture, anything...it hurts. I was asked this morning how I do it and how I work with it like this and all I have to say is I'm in some sort of pain, every day of my life and I have learned to manage pretty well. With my back, I am usually up and on the go, anyhow, so the sitting doesn't happen often, unless I'm in the car or trying to relax in the evenings.

This week is going to be a very anxious week for me. I want it to go by quickly. Today I am having my blood drawn, then I go to work and close. Tomorrow I am having all those other tests done (minus the Sleep Apnea) and I have the day off, Wednesday our District Manager is going to be down and I find out if I'm going to Assistant Manager right now, or just to full time for now, Thursday I open at work and we are going to (please please please) be filing taxes when I get off and then Friday we start the process of finding/finalizing a place to live. I can't freakin wait!

So, that's it in a nutshell. Will update as I know more.

Welcome 2010!

I'd like to say that I am welcoming the New Year with open arms, but at this point in time (a whoppin' 2 days in to it) I'm deciding this year may just be as crappy as the last. I want to be optimistic, I really do! I have a promotion (well, 2) coming up, I'm gonna get my family out of this ever loving crap-hole of a house and into our OWN life!, I'm gonna be 30!...maybe that's not so exciting lol.

I'm tired of living in the guilt trips. I do so much for this family (Nick's parents included), that I should NOT have to live my life with guilt because I spent $25 on frickin' Taco Bell for my husband, kids and I and "made" them (his parents) eat leftover pizza that I spent $25 on the night before. Boo flippin' hoo. $50 could have gone a lot longer than 2 meals, had I gone to the store and bought food for said meals, but I worked all day, I wanted to treat myself.

I work EVERYDAY, in one way or another. Either I make a presence at my employer's to actually work on the clock, or I have to do one of the MANY things that this family requires. Usually on my days "off" I have to go grocery shopping...for the whole household. I usually try to see Nick for lunch 1-2 times a week, but a lot of my schedule (and the amount of kids I have on any given day) prevents me from seeing him much. I have weeks where I work 9 days straight at work, then still have to run the house.

Nick does a LOT to help me (most of the time). His mother does not. His father does nothing, but I can't expect much out of him. I was told at the beginning of December that she would be willing to cook us dinner for her Christmas break to help me out. Fabulous! I could use the break. But, she wanted me to plan out a freaking MENU to give her. I may as well just cook. I don't do menus, I pull stuff out of the cabinet and whip it together quite constantly.

If I were to add up all my trips to the grocery store just for the month of December, I would guesstimate that I spent probably about $400, on top of the $175 we get in food stamps. I think we pay well enough to cover expenses here and they eat like kings. I don't just make mac n cheese for dinner like she used to. I make full on meals, every night. Do you know how much it costs to feed 9 people for a month? A lot. So, why does she feel the need to go on freaking FACEBOOK and tell the world that they would have liked Taco Bell, too? I don't care!!!! Think of all the times when we ate mac n cheese or top ramen for dinner and she went and got Sonic for them and ate it in front of us. Does it matter how that made US feel? Oh, yeah...it doesn't.

I'm counting the days until our taxes come and we get the H out of this place. I can't do it anymore...I can't handle the crying and all the hateful feelings I feel, constantly! I can't handle not being able to raise my kids without someone butting in constantly. I can't handle thinking I have everything I need for dinner, only to find out something was used/eaten before I could make said dinner and we have no more money.

I just can't take it anymore. Put a fork in me, I'm done.

Screw you 2009 and if 2010 continues this way, it can go away, too!