I'm really just floored right now

I just don't understand the jealousy between me and the video games. Other than the fact that I feel left out. I like to play that game, too, but while he asked me twice if I wanted to play, there was no way it could happen. He has enough friends on Xbox Live to create a small Army, so there was no room in the group. Not to mention that he was playing with the friends that I have had conflicts with in the past (ie: name calling because I'm a girl and I whooped 'em, plain and simple)...but, instead of him saying, "Hey, Des wants to play, too.", he lets it go. Doesn't say anything to anyone.

I decide to let it go and start my crocheting. That didn't take off well cause I got confused and I'm not sure if I'm doing it right, and my glorious MIL who taught me how to do this, is gone. So, I tried getting on the computer. But I get bored on the computer. So, I got dressed and went for my daily walk, alone. It was nice to not have to push the 40lb. sack-0f-potatoes up and down all those hills, but he didn't even realize I left. Sad thing? I walked in between him and the tv multiple times, fully dressed in my walking outfit. Then, I walked right out the front door that he was sitting next to. I decided to text him after I hit the road and let him know to keep an ear out for the kids who were occupying themselves at the time. I didn't get a response until I was about at the end of the line and ready to turn home and it only consisted of, "Where did you go?" I replied with, "Out." because I was in quite a stride and didn't want to lose it to stop and text and I can't text and walk too well.

I walked as fast and as hard as I could to get all the animosity out, only to find I never got an acknowledgment that I was home. I let it go. I got in the shower, got out, finished dessert and served it to the kids, sat down at the computer (again, next to him) and started surfing the web. I was reading Susan's blog when I saw him get up and look in the little basket that holds all of our Xbox junk and noticed he was probably looking for the plug and play charger that I had loaned the kids who are playing the other Xbox in our room. I went in (without him speaking to me in anyway), grabbed it from the kids who were done using it, and brought it out and tossed it on the couch. He picked it up and plugged it and and guess what?! NOTHIN! I didn't get a thanks, an F-You, nothin.

This is getting very bothersome that his WHOLE freaking life just STOPS when it comes to the games. It's ridiculous. Really.

(and on a side note, now that he saw me typing this up, he will probably find it and "the shitteth will hitteth the fanneth"! Oh well, at least I will get him to acknowledge I'm alive)

General ramblings from a derranged mind

Things have been happening. Some good, mostly bad. Story of my life, right? But, I'm not here to focus on ALL the bad things, just want to post because I haven't in awhile.

Where to start...

I seemed to have pulled out of most of my depression once the sun came out and I was out of the house more and things calmed down enough that I wasn't constantly crying. It's not ALL gone, I don't know that it ever will be, but I feel a lot better than I used to on a day to day basis.

My in-laws left to Oklahoma for 2 weeks last Monday. I could only hope that they would decide to come back, pack up and leave. Knowing my luck, that won't be the case. I appreciate all they have done for us and then some, but I really just want away from here. With the 3 of us being unemployed and having a 2 1/2 year old in the house full time and 4 others part time, I really just can't deal. They will be back next Monday night, I'd assume, with the girls in tow.

I had an "interview" on Friday. I only put it in quotes because she really just wanted to meet me and then told me to tell her about myself. It only took about 10 minutes and I'm supposed to hear back anytime now on if I got the job as a glorious "Sandwich Artist" at Subway. LOL Hey, it's a job.

I did the dishes today. It killed me in the process, but I still, eventually, got them done. I started thinking about it as I was scrubbing the pots and pans from last night's baked chicken and pasta and wondered why it is when Nick does the dishes, he leaves the pots and pans (about 96% of the time) and when I have asked him why in the past, he tells me to just be happy he helped (more or less). I AM happy he helps, as pretty soon I don't think I will be able to do it, so either he or the kids will have to take over, but I just wonder why. Men. LOL

So, my kids are absolutely amazing. Both Devin and Brandon have been recognized for being the top readers in their classes with the most AR (Academic Reading) Points each. They read books and then take tests on the computer, they get points based on the level book that they read and on how many questions they got right. They have been helping me around the house, too. They put the wet stuff in the dryer and start it and bring me the dry stuff. They have been taking the garbage out and other various things. Of course, I DID have to bring the word "Allowance" into it, but hey, it gets them going!

Elijah is a prodigy all on his own. For being 2 1/2, he is something. He can count to 14 in english and spanish (rarely missing a number), he can visually recognize his numbers to 10, he is singing Twinkle, Twinkle, Itsy Bitsy Spider and is working on Old MacDonald and his ABC's. He is starting to recognize his letters, but I think he gets overwhelmed. Just about everything is the letter "E" to him right now, but he's working on it. He is making complete sentences such as, "I don't like that." "I don't want that." "I don't see it." "That's beautiful, Mommy." "Where is my other sandal shoe?" lol I caught him playing on the house phone the other day, the conversation went something like this:

"Hello? Hi. *insert jarble* strawberries! *insert more jarble* Okay? Bye." and he sets the phone down. lol

Kids, gotta love them.

Random thoughts

My poor son is a flea magnet. The cats have fleas and we can't seem to get them under control cause they are indoor/outdoor cats. We can't bomb the house cause God forbid my in laws leave the house long enough for us to be able to, so we either treat the cats as much as we can and use spray on the bedding and floors as much as possible, or we (being Elijah) suffer. He has at least one new bite every day, he scratches himself bloody from the itching and I just can't keep stuff on him that helps him. Giving him Benadryl every day isn't feasible, so I guess when my in laws go out of town on the 1st for a couple weeks, we will be bombing the house. I hope they get under control cause he is the ONLY one who is getting bitten. They don't touch the rest of us!

I'm pretty sure I totally bombed my phone interview with Enterprise Rent A Car's call center today. Hopefully they understand that I was just nervous. I will be contacted by email or phone within 5-7 days to tell me how good or bad it went. If I got the job, I would be required to work Saturday and Sunday, 40 hours a week and my shifts would be from 12 or 12:30 in the afternoon until 9 or 9:30 at night. But, there is the potential to work from home at some point if you do a good job and they like you enough. That would make my day, since we would be living 30 minutes away from work. I should have gone for the part time position, but Nick will be unemployed for the summer if I do get this, so we could use the money.

I'm about ready to go crawl back into bed. Today is "one of those days". I just woke up and don't want to be up and about. Depression is a horrible thing. I know I need medication, but I don't know how we are going to afford it and then I have to convince Nick that I do, in fact, need it. He doesn't think I do, but that's because he is really the only one who can make me feel better. I count the minutes until he comes home so that I can have adult interaction and a should to cry on or snuggle up to if I need it. He is my rock but unfortunately, he can't be around me 24/7.

I'm tired of the Old Navy bathing suit commercials. They are on every commercial break and getting very annoying.

A weekend away

I needed a break, from life. Unfortunately, it seems that I need them more often than I can get them.

1.) It costs money.

2.) I don't have money.

3.) Weekend are normally pretty screwed up because Elijah leaves Saturday afternoons, 3 weekends a month and we have to be back to town by 7pm on Sunday to pick up the other boys from their dad.

*sigh*

So, we decided to get away. We went to Cottage Grove, I have friends there that are more than willing to take us on with open arms. We brought all 3 boys with us because they were all home for Mother's Day weekend. We left here Friday. We should have left at 2:30, but low and behold, my middle son doesn't listen and got on the bus after school when I was sitting right there waiting to pick him up. Oh well, I met him at the Boys and Girls Club and got him in the truck. Then I had to stop and give my mom her Mother's Day stuff at her work. Then we went and picked Nick up from work, stopped at Dutch Bros. cause it was MDA day and all proceeds went to Muscular Dystrophy Association which we highly support (Nick's Dad and Brother have it). We started our way up, made the trip with no major meltdowns or anything. It's the furthest North Elijah has been. He's been South, to Yreka and San Fransisco. We spent some time at the park while our friends were finishing up a movie and being stuck in traffic in Eugene. Ran to the store and got the kids some milk, ran and got pizza for dinner and went to the house to settle in.

Friday night was a bad night for Elijah. He couldn't sleep well. At all. New place, new bed, all 3 kids in one bed, etc. So, I had little to no sleep Friday night. Saturday we got up and went to Eugene for breakfast. Had a yummy breakfast and went to a hardware store to get a key cut. By then, Elijah was soaked. I had forgotten to check his pull-up before we left the house and the diaper bag was in the house because it had toys in it that he was playing with. So, we had no extra clothes and no diapers. After the hardware store, we went to Wal Mart across the street from where I used to live, found him pants and a shirt for $2.50 each and got him some new pull-ups. Changed him in the truck, drove around for awhile, went to the mall, walked around, got Nick a new shirt, got some Cinnabon and got the kids some candy. Left the mall to get gas and went back to Cottage Grove. We bummed around the house for awhile, they left for awhile, I think I took a little nap, they came home, we had dinner and then went to the Cottage Grove Speedway, or whatever it was called. I was hesitant about going, but was going to do it for Nick. The kids liked it, Elijah liked it the most, Devin was into it, but Brandon was bored out of his mind. Our friends left early, around 9:30 and I asked if they would take the older 2 with them. they did and we stayed til it was over at 11:30. 4.5 hours at a race track. Me? Yeah. It was freaking AWESOME. I loved it. It was a dirt track, not very big, but it was SOOO fun. At one point, a dirt claud came through the fence and bounced off Elijah's back, but he was okay, never even flinched.

We went back to the house and put Eli to bed on the floor in our room, hoping he would sleep better. He fell asleep around midnight and woke up at 5am. Not much sleep at all. I went to bed around 1 and got up with him at 5, so I was dragging for the first part of the day Sunday. Jenny made us french toast and bacon for breakfast and then they left for Eugene for shopping or something. I passed out on the bed while Nick and Elijah were playing and then Eli passed out on the couch so Nick put him in bed with me. I got up and we bummed around the house some more. Our friends got home from Eugene and we started packing up for the trip home.

We came home and I was annoyed within 30 seconds of being here. But, we sold our old phones, so I made $200! Woo! That made up for the annoyance a little bit.

Nick made me dinner. He made chicken fingers and pasta roni, per my request. It was wonderful and I loved it!

Bah.

I need to move.

I want to move.

I need a job.

I have a phone interview on Tuesday, though!

I need out of this house!

Well now, let us see.

So, things have been so up and down in the last week, I can't even seem to screw my head on straight. No one will really understand everything, but I am going to jot it down for my self-healing process. Tim took me to court to get full custody of Devin and Brandon in September. We had joint custody since the split in August of 2002. So, in September of 2007 (merely months after he married his new wife) he decided to try for full custody. Lies were told and all in all, he lost. I was awarded full custody with parenting time at status quo. He had/has as much parenting time as he does because he lied. But, that's fine, it's probably better to keep the kids going the way they have been for so long. So, since we won the case, my lawyer and I were responsible in making the parenting plan and sending it for their approval. We never heard anything and we won by default as the court held it for 30 days and they did not approve nor object the plan. So, going through it, I realized there were some clerical errors and things weren't EXACTLY the way they should be, but we are adult enough that we can talk through the clerical errors and go on with our merry way, the way we had been. Then I get a call from my lawyer saying 33(?) days after the judgment went in, they decided to object. I agreed to the amended plan as it had fixed the clerical things and put MOST things the way they should be. We submitted again and won by default, again. This was around December? So, I called my lawyer because I never received anything different and they verified that we had won by default again and to use the latest plan I had.

So, Tim started being "too nice" around February. When I realized what he was doing was somehow going to be used against me in the long run, I told him (through text because he refuses to talk to me) that we were going to start following the parenting plan starting March 1st, no ifs, ands or buts about it. So, we did. And there were arguments. The plan stated that the first weekend in the month was mine. Attached to that was the Thursday preceeding that. He didn't like this because he had them every Thursday night and 3 weekends a night (all part of the lies). I held to my word and things were fine. Come the end of April, I realize we are supposed to have them the 2nd and 3rd but then looked at the calendar and found Mother's Day was the following weekend. I texted him and told him, "Since the parenting plan says I have them ALL of Mother's Day weekend, I will trade you weekends." Therefore he can have them the 2nd and 3rd, I would have them Mother's Day weekend. He gave me no response. The next day, I received yet another parenting plan in the mail, signed by the judge (which meant it was official).

Now, rewind back to about February...I got a call from my lawyer saying they recieved yet another amended plan from his attorney, but they had already withdrawn as my attorney (as they were supposed to) and they would just forward it on my direction so I could look at it. I got it a few days later and about laughed myself out of my chair. I didn't think anything of it and got a call from his attorney about a week later asking if I was going to sign it so they could submit it and get it approved. I told her, "Absolutely not. I don't agree with it." She says, "So you don't agree?" "No, I don't." "Okay, thank you." and she hung up. I never thought twice about it.

A couple weeks later (this now falls to last week) I get the new plan signed by the judge. I start looking at it and they had the Holidays listed and who was to have them, only it was only listing Thanksgiving and Christmas. No problem, those were the holidays that were messed up in the last plan, they are probably just fixing them. Nick gets home and comments on the only 2 holidays, I told him what I thought and he agreed with me that that is probably all it was. The next day, I was having a bad day and my mother in law decided to sit down next to me and wanted to "talk". I told her things and at the end said, "And now I'm dealing with more of Tim's crap." She asked what they did this time and I started explaining as I was reading the plan out loud. And I found it.

In the Thanksgiving area it states: THANKSGIVING "The nonresidential parent shall have the children commencing when school lets out for the holiday weekend and ending on Sunday at 7:00pm in even numbered years. All other holidays and birthdays should follow the regular schedule for parenting time."

Now, tell me how that works? How they can sneak the "all other holidays and birthdays" under Thanksgiving.

This is at what point I lost all control of myself. He took everything away from me. Everything. Every holiday and birthday except the ones that happen to land on the first weekend of every month or on a Monday-1/2 of Thursday. No more Memorial Day/Boatnik with them, no more Easters with them, no birthdays for the next 4 or so years. This is ridiculous...what's even better? He took Mother's Day!!!!!!!! WHAT IN THE WORLD WOULD MAKE HIM THINK HE COULD TAKE MOTHER'S DAY?!?!?! When did he give birth to them?!?!?!?!

*sigh*

This makes me very sad. I have sunk in a hole, lower than I have been in many years. I thought I had climbed out of my depression, my whole life has changed since Nick and I have been together but this....this is out of my control. This isn't fair. To me OR the kids.

I called my lawyer to see if he would represent me again. I want to take this back to court and I want blood this time. My lawyer has been deployed for a year. I was referred to another lawyer in the firm, but I have to pay the balance that I owe, THEN pay for the consultation which is billed at the normal hourly rate of $225, THEN the lawyer would decide what he wants to collect for a retainer. Yeah, okay. Let me just go get that out of the bank for you. Anyone who knows me KNOWS I don't have that kind of money. Heck, one of Nick's checks wouldn't cover the consultation alone! Yeah, that's how bad things are.

Okay, so here it is...I'm hoping that by journaling/blogging, I can really start getting over this because I have to pay money to see the doctor about meds and the meds won't even work for 4-6 weeks. I can only hope I don't completely lose it before then. lol

Hmph.

My life has pretty well gone to Hell in a handbasket.

School has denied me the ability to attend this fall unless....I pay for a term on my own. *sigh* I left the last term on bad terms and I am academic probation. Go me.

And to make yesterday look like cake, my son hid my $30 antibiotics I just got yesterday. And after crying for as long as I have, my sinuses hurt like hell and I could definitely see sticking the vaccuum hose up my nostril and sucking the infection out myself.

Graphic, I know. I am sorry.